Crazy Blood: The Comedy, The Parody, The Insult
by iconofcoolness
Summary: I think the title says it all, but if you must know, I thought I would make fun of my own work before anyone else does, must read the serious version of Crazy Blood first to understand some of the humor.


_**The Beginning?**_

**_Disclaimer:_**

_This story has been written purely for entertainment purposes, and in no way, shape, form, or fashion means to impede, or infringe upon any copyrighted material whatsoever. I do however retain credit and claim responsibility for the creation of names and character statistics of any and all characters within this publication. These characters are based on copyrighted ideas and or characters of the respective owners of said material within the entertainment industry. No money will be attributed to the author of the following publication in any form. Definitions and wording used to describe devices, and other such items are derived from other literary works involving these types of characters. This publication was created for the sole purpose of entertainment and the expansion of a concept formerly copyrighted by an individual or individuals as a group._

_Ok, don't ask me where I came up with this idea, cuz I don't really know myself. But, I was thinking of the next chapter of Crazy Blood I was going to write just before going to bed the other night. Right before truly falling asleep, you know, that half dazed state of mind when it does weird crap that you are still fully and consciously aware of but can do nothing about, yeah, well, it seems that my brain was running through this comedy version of Crazy Blood and when I awoke the next morning it seemed like a good idea. So here it is, but I warn you, if you haven't read the serious version of Crazy Blood you probably won't get where some of the humor comes from in this story so read that one first, then come back, read, review, and enjoy. Thanks, PEACE!_

_**Chapter 1: The Beginning?**_

In the darkness that is space, as we know it, there is no story so sacred that it should not be ridiculed. This my friends is the dark side of …aw hell, who am I kidding, it's freakin comedy. Enjoy!

Pok'de it'ktse entered the dimly lit room noticing the deep cast of shadows filling the area. Even his quarters were never left this dark considering that no Yautja really needed any light to see by, but in the cold metallic surroundings of an interstellar ship, light was needed to create just the right amount of heat in order for them not to be blind. This room was different though, it was even less illuminated than most Yautja would prefer. It was almost startling to him that anyone could utilize such a low degree of heat to their advantage, or even be comfortable with.

The visitor scanned the room and casually looked around until seeing Hulij-Thwei standing in front of a large square piece of canvas resting slightly on an angled easel.

"Are you…painting?" He asked.

"Why, yes I am." Replied Hulij-Thwei.

"In the dark? I thought humans couldn't see in the dark?"

"Yeah, well it's a new technique I've discovered."

He continued.

"Flip on a light and come check it out." Stated Hulij-Thwei.

Pok'de it'ktse was about to reach for the illumination panel when suddenly the entire room filled with the glow nearly blinding him. The pain was such that he resorted to yelling a couple of blasphemies.

"Oh Jesus Christ, who in the fu…."

"Son of a bitch…" Screamed Hulij-Thwei. "When are you lighting guys gonna get the shit right? And where's the little prick that flipped the switch, I want him strung up by his balls." Suddenly it was seen that a man was running away from a large panels worth of switches and knobs, opposite of Hulij-Thwei's position towards the shadows, disappearing for only a moment before a large gust of wind quickly rushed through the entire set, as the man's body was seemingly sucked right through the open doorway.

The director approached HT, otherwise known as Hulij-Thwei, and began to speak.

"I realize that you're already pissed over the fact that the movie studio made you rewrite your life story as a comedy just to get it put into film, but you can't go around threatening everyone." He paused. "We in the film industry are all part of a union."

HT stared at him blankly for a moment.

"Well I don't think we'll have to worry about that anymore now will we?"

"Why do you say that?" Asked the director.

"Cuz he just ran out the airlock." Replied HT.

"So?"

"We're shooting on location remember?"

"Yeah." Spoke the director.

"There's ah, no air out there. And no one can hear you scream in space." Replied Sigourney Weaver, as she walked up to where the two were standing.

"Now where is it I've heard that before?" Mumbled one of the camera operators, as he placed a lit cigarette into his inner set of secondary jaws. If it weren't for the fact that he was smoking a cigarette one would swear he resembled a Xenomorph. Maybe it was just his build.

"Who are you?" Asked HT.

"She played Ripley in the Aliens franchise of movies." Stated the director. "She's a famous movie star."

"Ok…what part does she play in _my_ movie?"

Both Sigourney and the director looked at each other like they really didn't have an answer.

"That's what I thought." Said Hulij-Thwei, as he grabbed her and commenced to throw her out the airlock as well.

The Xenomorph looking camera guy leaned closer to one of his crewmates and said, "Woah! Ain't that a bitch…I bet it really SUCKS out there huh?" As he sarcastically laughed the whole time, nearly choking on his cigarette before he continued.

"No big loss though, I was always more partial to those alien characters anyways, know what I mean?" Continuing to chuckle slightly.

The director was shocked beyond all comprehension; the tone in his voice was a sure sign of that.

"What'd you go and do that for? It's bad enough you can't get anybody famous to play any of the parts in this movie as it is."

"I didn't like her. And it doesn't matter, we're already behind schedule to begin with, so can we get back to shooting this scene already?"

"Well…uh…sure. But as a friendly warning, be careful before someone slaps a lawsuit against you." Replied the director.

"You know, I don't think I like your tone." As he pushed a button on the wall, opening the airlock once again, only to see the director's body vacuumed out into the vast expanse of space.

Pok'de it'ktse had just begun to regain his sight as he stood and approached Hulij-Thwei carefully.

"Yo, HT, I'm gonna go lay down for a while ok?"

"Sure…whatever…that's a wrap everyone, we'll start tomorrow at five a.m."

Pok, otherwise known as the mild mannered Pok'de it'ktse, blurted out one last comment as he was walking away.

"By the way, that painting…it blows goats…big hairy ones."

"Just cuz you're my friend doesn't mean I won't flush you out the airlock either ya know." Yelled HT humorously.

Without turning around Pok merely raised his clawed hand and flipped him the middle finger, and waved off HT's comment knowing it was nothing but an empty threat, as he passed around the corner of a bulkhead wall.

Being the Elder on the ship HT chose to see what was happening on the bridge. It didn't take him long to get there considering he was wide awake from frustration of not having his movie career go as well as he had planned.

Once there he stood in the middle of the large room behind where the bridge crew sat at various points along the massive array of dials, gauges, monitors, and switches. All the typical instruments one would expect to find in on the bridge of a great ship such as this.

To his surprise, only one of the crew seemed to be working diligently at all. One of them had his feet up on a console with his hands behind his head and stared out the window as if enjoying what he saw out of the view screen. Another was leaned over somewhat and relishing in conversation with the Yautja next to them, and both were laughing. Still another was spotted sleeping with his head resting on folded arms across the console in front of him, drool consequently rippling slightly from the corner of his mouth. It was as if they didn't even know he was there. He would get their attention though.

"AHEM!" He sounded loudly.

"Oh…Hey HT, you're back, be with you in a minute." Came the reply from the female Yautja, as she reentered the conversation with the crewmember next to her position. It was apparent that having a conversation about the latest to way to dred their hair was more important a subject than flying the ship through space.

"Um…don't we have a ship to fly?"

The same Yautja female who only moments ago had responded to HT's attention getting cough again replied.

"Uhhh…if you haven't noticed…we're BUSY!"

Suddenly another voice was heard from the one HT assumed was the daydreamer.

"Ah, yo, HT…check it…the ship here runs on auto pilot, all the weapons and everything. We don't even need to be here really."

He continued.

"We're truly only here for effect in the story. In fact, the only instruments that really work on this tub are the ones over there, where the only one of us that looks busy is sitting."

HT's eyes shifted back and forth in a bewildered way before he silently made the decision to approach the Yautja obviously busy with flying the ship. It was as he got close enough, he could hear the distinct sounds of what sounded like a battle going on near to where the Yautja sat. He strode up behind the crewmember and peered over his shoulder to see that what was playing on the monitor was the old Atari version of Defender.

HT closed his eyes so as to calm himself down before reaching the point of wanting to kill someone, and strode back off the bridge and into one of the many corridors of the ship on the way to his quarters. With his one hand he rubbed at his temples out of frustration when someone obviously not watching where they were going suddenly ran into him unaware of his presence as he rounded a blind corner

"Hey watch it buddy." Spoke the voice.

HT looked up in rage. How dare someone speak to him in this manner? As he turned to look at who it may have been he realized he did not recognize the species at all, which also brought to mind as to why this creature was onboard the ship in the first place.

"Who the hell are you? And what are you doing on my ship?"

"I'm Lt. Commander Worf, of the Federation starship Enterprise." He said proudly with his chest all puffed up like he was important or something.

"Ok? Never heard of the Federation, and it still doesn't tell me WHY you're on my ship."

Worf's demeanor had changed radically.

"Oh that's easy, we're filming my life story and my producer told me about this fantastic opportunity to come here and get in a real fight for realism ya know, not to mention the food here is great. I have to tell my wife about this place, she's gonna love it."

He continued.

"But back to the subject, are you pissed that I ran into you, I need for you to be pissed, let's see, make the pissed face. Here lemme help you with that."

Worf reached out with both hands to HT's face and manipulated his cheeks into a frowning position to signify anger, before continuing.

"You're not working with me here…well, you'll just have to work on it, anyways, I need to get into a fight, you wanna fight me don't ya, It'll be great, the realism I mean, how about tomorrow, is tomorrow good for you, say…sometime around threeish, it's good for me, see ya then." As he waved his hands with a bit too excited a motion, and began walking away, pulling out a cell phone, as he quickly turned back around and stopped in his tracks.

"Hey! By the way, where are the bathrooms around here?"

HT smiled deviously as he now thought of a way to possibly rid his ship of this pest. In the nicest voice he could muster, and the best smile he could fashion, considering the barely containable anger he stored inside, he answered back.

"Third corner on your left, follow it all the way to the end…you'll see a big door that looks like an airlock…just hit the big button on the wall, the door will close behind you."

He managed to make it back to his quarters without any incident and upon entering it he let out a roaring scream of frustration as he trashed half his furniture before repeatedly speaking the words 'Why me, why do this to me?' all the while banging his head against the wall until he passed out.


End file.
